(Author’s note: I once wrote a post about how great Instagram was. Then they changed their Terms, so I wrote a post on how crappy Instagram was. Then they published a blog to clarify their Terms. So to clear things up, I have issued this response. Your move, Instagram!)

Too many things have become me and making money, so I am reducing the friction in my business process by creating a “view-wrapped” contract. By reading this, you agree to the following:

BASIC TERMS

• You must at least be a fertilized egg
• Or a sperm/unfertilized egg
• You are responsible for any activity that occurs under your screen name, unless it is “the_real_lindsaylohan”
• I can abuse, harass, and threaten you with a fake British accent
• You must not access my API, whatever that is, unless it’s a euphemism for my private parts
• You must not create or submit unwanted email to me (“Spam”) unless it’s for a free iPad Mini (in white) or actual SPAM (I’m from Hawai’i)
• You must not transmit any worms or viruses or poisonous snakes. They scare me.

GENERAL CONDITIONS

• I reserve the right to modify or terminate my haircut, without notice at any time
• I reserve the right to alter these Terms of Use at any time. If the alterations constitute a material change to the Terms of Use, there will be a 10 minute intermission, followed by a light snack.
• We reserve the right to reclaim usernames like “Ochocinco” and “Metta World Peace”

PROPRIETARY RIGHTS IN CONTENT

• You grant me a very-exclusive, royalty-free, transferable, sublicensable, worldwide license to use, store, and display any and all plastic spatulas and single serving egg cups in your kitchen.
• You represent and warrant that: (i) I own the Content that you post, (ii) the posting and use of your Content on or through the Internet doesn’t violate the privacy rights, publicity rights, copyrights, copycats, cool cats, Siamese twins or people shorter than 4’10” – the legal height for dwarves in most jurisdictions.
• I hereby grant you a limited, revocable, nonsublicensable license to reproduce with your wife or husband solely for your personal use.

I hope that clears things up. Let’s make some money!

In case you were confused, this was a work of satire.